Mister Shakespeare

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Author of many plays and hyper-metadramas, such as the one you are acting in right now, portraying the character "reader of Wiki." You were cast years before you were born, and were fertilized and gestated for this specific purpose. Celebrate the mystery that is Mister Shakespeare with me, by calling 1-532-238-3429 ext. 39 and saying "it's always a good time for Mystery on 106.4 FM!"

Critical Analysis

Mister Shakespeare took a lot of time when writing or absorbing his work to ask and answer very key questoins to the discourse of his age. One question that crops up again and again is "What if a lizard got giant and attacked us?" Which seemed to occupy most of the last 80 years of his brief 90 year life.

His works follow a strict "5 Hellos" model of Drama popularized first by Tree Man, the greatest Dramatist immediately preceding Mister Shakespeare.

5 Hellos

Hello 1


  • hello
  • hello there
  • hello-t'meet you

Hello 2

choosing 2, but not 3 of the following choices

  • Heldebaran
  • Hellodyoudo?
  • Hey
  • Oh Hi There

Hello 3

Any one of

  • Heldalibur in the Greeting Stone
  • Greetarchus of Hellopolis
  • Hellopuliaria (contracted by the character)
  • Grey Faded Rags formed not out of cloth but of words, upon first meeting somone
  • The sound of wires

Hello 4

All of

  • Habyagan
  • Haldo
  • Apterian's Subtle Wilderness Howdy
  • (whispered) Heyvya'do there?

Hello 5

  • Hellyalater
  • Helbye!
  • Greet to meet you, gottallo!
  • May the rivers converge to forge a torrid stream, engendering life in the loam.

This is how plays are written, my friend.

Authorship Controversy

Mister Shakespeare's works were originally not written by him, but were later transposed onto his person by the Ghost of Christmas Platinum collection: Gold Edition after learning that the true meaning of Christmas was fading in and out of sync with reality and being, for a time, transparent to terrified onlookers.

Since that time, all works attributed to Mister Shakespeare become written by him retroactively through a process of faith and expressive but violent mimes.

Two bananas rule

The two bananas rule, proclaimed by Lord Byron from his dark spire of Thingolion, may have been first discovered by Mister Shakespeare in his Shrieking Tapestry "Rotario Part 1 the 4th." Scholardi points to lines such as

"And yet thy lips are dangle-flaps

trapping lads of fruitmeat, independent
flesh-robes hiding toothcarls, the bone cohort
that through hostility can break the back
of Banyananas beige, flutey fruitpods,
bishopfingers. But now where hast thou piped,
longyellow, whither thou Banyananas?
Solitary gut guest, occupantal
mashed habitant, mateless, to wander down

and alone in oceans galling to drown."

The final speech of Timtamaria, Queen of the Clarinetophone, as she eats an unknown fruit seem to suggest that it is a Banana, and that bananas must never be eaten two in a row.

Incomplete List of Works

Any list of Mister Shakespeare's works must necessarily be incomplete due to the fact that he has not finished absorbing the works of others into his moist and porous pseudopods. Nevertheless, here is a rough list.

Stage Plays


  • Sanitation Mate
  • The Riddle of the Noise
  • Child of Fist
  • Long Wedding
  • Hamlet Man
  • The Precipice King's Missteps in Reverse Order
  • Chocolate Subinfeudation Part 1
  • Chocolate Subinfeudation Part 2
  • Chocolate Ryan
  • If a Lizard Got Giant and Attacked Us


  • The Invention of the Clock
  • The Spartans and their Laws
  • White People
  • Black People
  • The King's Speech
  • The Queen (of England)
  • A King Dying
  • A Cheating King
  • The King's Grandfather
  • Josh Brolin Part 1
  • Josh Brolin part 2
  • Josh Brolin part 3
  • Josh Brolin Part 4
  • Josh Brolin Part 5
  • The Goonies


  • Love in a Forest
  • Sex hunger
  • The Magic Transvestite
  • I ignore Everything She Says and Win
  • Too Drunk To Dance
  • The Virginity Sword
  • the Nimble Rapist in Narrowsville
  • Pussy Shark


Song Tapesties

  • Strandies
  • Weave-erly

Scream Tapesties

  • Rotario Part 1 the 4th
  • Rotario Part 1 the 1st
  • Rotatio part 1 the 2nd
  • Rotatio Part 1 the 3rd
  • Rotario Part 2 the 1st
  • Rotario part 2 the Husband


  • The Bible of the Egg
  • The Shark: Never Stop Moving and other Tips for Not stopping moving
  • Twimp: The Story of How Everything is Just So
  • The Cabuticle